I would lay on my side on the bed, squishing my belly fat. I wondered if weight just accumulated over the years until eventually you became big and fat like the big and fat people I would sometimes see.
Not that long ago
I lay down on the ground, sobbing, by my chemistry books. My ears are ringing from screaming, my throat is coarse. Fighting, screaming with my ex-husband. I had the philosophy of 'if you hurt me, I will show you how much you hurt me by hurting you' and he had the philosophy of 'I can say the worst things to you, but without screaming them - you will be considered the bad guy'. It didn't work.
I rest the barbell on the front of my shoulders, elbows up, and a few fingers balancing it and keeping it pressed against my neck, over my center of gravity. I am ready to front squat. I walk the bar out - my hips and spinal cord carrying the full weight of it. My abs are braced, my glutes are ready. It's heavy.
As I lower the weight down - it reminds me of all the weight that a person can carry in their day. Their children, spouses, issues. It is heavy. My legs are strong and I do not falter.
The weight is delicately balanced, with a few fingers holding on to it. At any moment I could let it go - let it tip forwards.
With balance, coordination, and strength I lift it up. It is heavy - and I will eventually go heavier. But, at this moment - this is my 'one rep max' and it is the heaviest thing I can lift. Nothing outside the gym weighs any heavier than this. It is heavy - but I am strong.